


Halloween

by wowza



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Be More Chill - Freeform, Halloween, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Michael Mell - Freeform, They Love Each Other OK, boyf riends - Freeform, implied that jeremy and chloe actually had sex at jake's party, jeremy heere - Freeform, not explicit tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:12:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wowza/pseuds/wowza
Summary: It had been exactly one year. One year had passed since Michael had been abandoned in a bathroom by his best friend, feeling more lonely and afraid than he ever had before.





	Halloween

“Are you sure you don’t want to go? Jake said it would be a really good one this year,” Jeremy prodded, following his boyfriend out the back exit of the high school and in the direction of his PT Cruiser.

Michael sighed and turned his head to face the taller boy. “I told you,” he responded, “I’m not feeling well. I’m just going to go home and chill,” trying to play it off as casually as he could. Going to Jake’s Halloween party was the last thing he wanted to do tonight. 

It had been exactly one year. One year had passed since Michael had been abandoned in a bathroom by his best friend, feeling more lonely and afraid than he ever had before. He glanced up at Jeremy, who was watching him, brow furrowed and a nervous expression on his face, which was quickly replaced with a smile.

“Okay! I’m sorry you’re not feeling great. We can just hang out and watch scary movies on the couch or something low key like that.”

Michael suppressed the frustrated groan building up inside of him. Jeremy was  _ not _ getting it. Of course, they had come a very long way in the span of a year. They had picked up the pieces of their shattered friendship and put them back together in a way that was different than it was before, but still managed to fit. The two of them even began dating a couple of months after everything went down at the play. It really was crazy how an experience like that could make someone admit something they never thought they could. Through fights and tears and hugs and  _ love, so much love _ , they had started to heal.

But the thing about scars is that even after they start to heal, they never really go away.

Michael faked a cough as convincingly as he could and wiped his nose on his hoodie sleeve. “No way, dude. I don’t want to get you sick.”

“It’s fine! I’ll try not to make out with you.” Jeremy laughed, but it seemed forced. “I can make you some soup or something.”

“Jeremy, really I’m  _ fine _ .” Michael shot back, a firmness to his tone giving it an unfriendly edge that caused Jeremy to squirm uncomfortably in the passenger seat. He was silent for a moment, distress evident on his face as his mind raced, trying to think of something,  _ anything to say.  _

“W-well, if your si-i-ick, then you’re not really f-fine and your moms are gone s-s-so I should really be there to take care of you, right?” The words came tumbling out as fast as they could, going a mile a minute. They tasted bad in his mouth, they felt wrong and they came out in unattractive shapes that he tripped over, the stammer he tried as hard as he could to hide becoming painfully evident. 

Michael couldn’t stop the involuntary eye roll and slouch that took over his body as he listened to his boyfriend’s words.  _ Why can’t you just take the hint? _

“That’s  _ sweet _ .” It certainly did not sound like Michael thought it was sweet. “But I don’t need you to take care of me.”

Jeremy grew desperate. “It’s r-really no prob-b-blem, in fact I actually wa-”

**_“Jesus Christ, Jeremy! I don’t want to be around you, okay?!”_ **

Jeremy opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Then closed it.

Michael sat there fuming for a split second before his eyes widened in realization of what he had just said. His expression softened immediately.

“J-Jere…” he started, but Jeremy was already gone, not even bothering to close the car door as he raced through the school parking lot.  _ Away. I need to get away. Anywhere but here.  _

“Fuck!” Michael shouted, banging his fists on the steering wheel before exiting the vehicle, locking it behind him. “Jeremy?” He called, to no response, looking around to look for any trace of which direction Jeremy had headed.

* * *

 

“The loudest one is mine.”

_ You hurt him. You hurt him so bad. _

“The loudest one is mine.”

_ He doesn’t love you. How could he? He said it himself, he can’t even stand to be around you. He doesn’t want to spend time with his own boyfriend because you’re such a little shit. _

“The l-loudest one is mine,” Jeremy repeated, his voice growing small and unconvincing as he tried to drown out the staticy voice of the squip. It was usually pretty manageable, but when things got really bad, he could always hear it. It was always there. And without any Mountain Dew Red, Jeremy could do nothing to stop it. 

_ Everything about you is so terrible. _

“The loudest one is mine.”

_ Repeat after me. Everything about you is so terrible. _

“The loudest one is mine.”

_I_ ** _said_** _repeat! Everything about you is so terrible._

Silence. 

Silence. 

“Everything about me is so terrible.”

_ Good. Everything about you makes me want to die _ .

“Everything about me makes me w-want to d-die.”

Jeremy choked out the last word and buried his head in his knees, muffling his soft sobs. He knew he hurt Michael. He knew that he could never make up for what he had done, but Halloween was hard for him, too. Michael wasn’t the only one who had lost something, and all Jeremy wanted to do was distract himself from what had been taken from him, to distract himself with Michael and love and  _ loving Michael _ and be reassured that everything was okay. That this Halloween would be different from last Halloween. 

_ Oh, shut up. You wanted it. Stop pretending I didn’t do you a favor. _

Jeremy shook his head. “It wasn’t like that!”

_ Are you sure about that? _

“Yes!”

And suddenly, Jeremy was there. Again. He was back at the Halloween party. He was back in the darkness of Jake’s parent’s room. 

And he’s scared. 

He could feel her. He could feel her touching him. He could feel her on top of him. 

_ You’ll thank me later _ .

He wanted to shout. He wanted to scream. He wanted Michael. 

He was powerless. 

“Jeremy!”

A voice. Whose voice? Jeremy didn’t look up to find out. He couldn’t move. 

He felt a hand on his back and all he could think was  _ not again. It can’t happen again. I won’t let it happen again _ . He screamed and grabbed the hand, pushing its owner away from him, using every fiber of his being to  _ stop it from happening again because this time he is in control _ .

Michael looked up at Jeremy with bewilderment from where he had been pushed onto the floor. Jeremy looked down at him with wide eyes and then he looked around. He wasn’t at the Halloween party. He wasn’t in Jake’s parent’s room. He was in the dusty, dilapidated lighting booth of the auditorium. Michael was here. He was with Michael. He… pushed Michael. 

_ You hurt him again! All you ever do is hurt him _ . 

“The loudest one is mine! The loudest one is mine!”

Michael sat up and his eyes glazed over with concern as he heard the all-too-familiar words spill out of Jeremy’s mouth. Michael knew what those words meant. 

“Jeremy? It’s me, Michael. I thought I might find you here. Do you know where we are?”

“Th-the lighting booth?” It wasn’t so much of an answer as it was a question, but Michael smiled nonetheless and nodded at him encouragingly. 

“That’s right. We’re in the lighting booth, and it’s just you and me, okay? We’re the only ones here, so anything else you hear isn’t real. I’m going to touch you now, okay?”

Jeremy didn’t say anything, and when Michael gingerly placed his hand on the blue-eyed boy’s shoulder he flinched, but didn’t move away.

“Michael?”

“I’m right here, Jere.”

Jeremy took a couple deep breaths as he gathered himself, Michael watching patiently as he came out of the panicked state he was in. After a couple of minutes, Jeremy slumped against the wall of the small, dark booth and closed his eyes. 

“Michael, we need to talk.”

The hand on Jeremy’s shoulder drifted down his arm and to his hand, grasping it and giving it a reassuring squeeze as Michael positioned himself so that he was sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with Jeremy. Jeremy was quiet for a long moment, trying to articulate what he wanted to say before he actually spoke the words. He was thinking so many thoughts, all of them running around in his mind. It made it difficult for him to know which ones to say, and how to say them, so he just told spoke the truth, as simply as he could.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

It wasn’t what Jeremy wanted to say. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to take it back and all of the other thoughts in his mind were scrambling to break free.  _ You’re the only one for me. It’s always been you. I’ve been in love with you for so long. You are everything to me.  _ No, it wasn’t what Jeremy wanted to say, be he knew it needed to be said and it  _ scared _ him because the truth was that Michael was perfect but they were  _ bad _ for each other.

In that moment, Michael felt time freeze. He swore he could actually feel his heart shatter, splintering off into a million irreparable pieces, puncturing his chest in more areas than he could count. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, his voice wavering, afraid to look up. He loved Jeremy so much he could barely stand it. When he picked Jeremy up in the morning, when Jeremy smiled at him in the hallways between class, when Jeremy kissed him as a greeting, when Jeremy kissed him goodbye, whenever Jeremy told him that he loves him, every time his name came off of Jeremy’s lips, everything was Jeremy  _ all the time _ and his heart felt so full he was certain it could burst at any moment. If he didn’t have Jeremy, everything would be… empty. 

Jeremy sighed. He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want this, but he couldn’t be selfish anymore.  _ I can’t do this anymore.  _

“I just… I can’t be that guy.”

“Jeremy, I don’t know what you’re saying and I don’t think you know, either. Can we please just talk tomorrow? Or we can just forget this ever happened. I think-”

“I can’t be that guy anymore!” He repeated, louder than before, cutting Michael off mid-sentence. “I can’t be the guy that keeps on hurting you! I can’t keep on being the reason you’re hurt. It’s  _ driving me crazy _ , always wond-d-dering when I’m going to fuck up again.”

Michael wanted to say something, but didn’t know what it was, what to offer, so he remained silent as Jeremy continued.

“I feel like I’m going fucking insane! I know that I fucked up, trust me, I know. I’ll never forget. But you say that you forgave me even though I can tell that you didn’t. You didn’t forgive me and I don’t blame you, it’s not your fault, but this relationship is never going to work. I love you so much, Micah, more than I ever thought was possible. Fuck, it freaks me out sometimes how much I love you, but even that isn’t enough. It’s not enough to make it work and it’s not enough to make this a good thing because this? This isn’t healthy. I  _ know _ that I fucked up, but that’s all I think about. All I think about is how I hurt you and how I keep  _ fucking _ hurting you, and that can’t be my life anymore.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jeremy! You make my life better by being in it.”

“Stop fucking lying, Michael! Just stop! You said it yourself, you don’t even want to be around me.”

Michael averted his gaze. It was true. He didn’t want to be around Jeremy today, he didn’t even want to look at him. He didn’t want to look at him and see the boy who called him a loser. Hell, he didn’t want to look in the mirror and see that loser. 

“I really needed you today.”

The words, barely above a whisper, caught Michael off-guard, and he looked up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“I really needed to… not be alone. Maybe I make you remember all the shit that went down, but you help me forget, and maybe that difference is why we don’t work together. I need someone who wants to see me, and I get why you don’t, but if I’m going to survive until graduation that’s what I need. Look, Halloween was a shit show last year, like,  _ really _ fucked up. I’m not asking you to forget what happened, but if we can’t make  _ new _ memories, then all we’re going to have is the shitty ones. If all you can give me is shame a-and guilt and the past, then I don’t blame you, but it’s  _ not enough _ . I just really wanted to be in control of what happened this year.  _ I wanted to be in control this time _ .”

Jeremy pulled his hand out of Michael’s and clenched his fists tightly, taking a deep breath as he tried to steady his breathing, leaning his head back to look up at the ceiling. 

“You’re in control. You know you are.”

“No,” the blue-eyed boy said softly, shaking his head as tears began to cascade down his pale cheeks, “I  _ don’t _ know, which is why I needed to prove it to myself.”

“Prove it to  _ me _ ! If you’re in control of your own life then show me. Show me by not letting this go.” Michael brought his hand up to Jeremy’s wet face, forcing the taller boy to look at him as he continued. “You’re my soulmate, dude. You told me you feel the same way about me as I do about you, and if that’s true then you know we’re never going to find something like this again. Fuck the past, Jere, I think about the future all the time. I want… a life with you. Fuck, Jeremy, I want to put a damn ring on your finger someday and you’re trying to let this go? Don’t. Please.”

“I will never be able to make you happy. I will never be able to take back what I did.”

“You don’t need to, because I forgive you. I swear to God, I forgive you for everything. Today was just… weird. I can’t stop thinking about last year, and it’s playing over and over in my mind like a broken fucking record. Loser! Loser!” Jeremy flinched as he heard Michael repeat his own words, “and honestly? I hate it. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to think about you seeing me that way. Disposable. It freaks me out. I’m  _ scared _ , Jeremy, and I thought that… if I wasn’t around you then… you wouldn’t have the chance to leave me again. But now I’m the one abandoning you, and I guess you’re kind of feeling the way I felt last year. Which is, like, the absolute worst. And I’m sorry, because I know how it feels and I never want someone I love to feel that way.

“You’re not disposable. You’re one of a kind,” Jeremy whispered, moving to lean his head on Michael’s chest, to be close to him in any way he can. “Do you trust me?”

“I trust you with my life,” Michael responded without even hesitating for a second, wrapping his arm around Jeremy’s small frame. 

“Then you need to trust that I won’t leave you again, even if I’ve given you every reason to in the past. I know I hurt you, but we can’t keep hurting each other because of that.”

“I know. You’re right. But you have to give me time.”

Jeremy peered up at Michael, raising his eyebrow as a silent request for him to continue.

“What I mean is… things are really fucked up right now and that’s not going to go away overnight, but… I’m willing to work on it if you are. We have a long way to go and I haven’t really been willing to make myself vulnerable, you know? But I will. You just have to give me a chance to get there. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean it will always be like that. Things won’t always be this way, I swear. Things will get better. Things will be  _ good _ , because we are good for each other.”

Jeremy is silent for a while, longer than Michael would have liked, and then-

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.”

The response is simple, but the weight behind those words was indescribable. Michael pulled Jeremy into his lap and the two embraced for what felt like years, their eyes dry and their hearts full, the two of them just enjoying being around each other. They had a long way to go, but they had come so far. 

“Hey, Micah?” Jeremy finally asked, leaning back so he could look his boyfriend in the eye.

“Hm, yeah?”

“Were you serious when you said you wanted to put a ring on my finger?” he asked, his serious expression contorting into a devilish smirk.

“Shut up, Miah!” 

“No, no!” He backpedaled, his face once again showing sincerity, “I’m serious.”

Michael blushed and looked away, embarrassed that he had let that slip out in the heat of the moment. 

“Well, yeah.”

Jeremy couldn’t help the goofy smile that took over his face, and he pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss. This kiss was awkward, as Jeremy couldn’t stop himself from smiling through it, the ridiculous, infectious grin causing their teeth to hit against each other painfully.

“Cool.” 

 


End file.
